So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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