Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I pour the whiskey from now on
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
