I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize