meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
