Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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