I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
