you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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