no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize