im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So squirting runs in the family.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize