someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
