peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
