i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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