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dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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