all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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