my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
