God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
