He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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