Your mouth is God's brothel.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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