I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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