he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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