I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
