if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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