My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
