i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
