3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize