I cannot find my penis.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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