Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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