omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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