I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize