Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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