I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
