Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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