I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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