grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
