Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize