Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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