Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize