I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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