Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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