You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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