hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
