so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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