When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
