Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
