So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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