my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
