I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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