How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
