I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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