My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
