what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
