I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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