Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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