Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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