Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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