you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
