I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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