when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
should my penis look like a turkey
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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