From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
