Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
